The World is your Oyster… One Chicken Nugget at a time…

When we finally got a fair number of our ducks in a row (let’s be honest, you couldn’t actually plan something like this if you tried…) and began telling Family, Friends, Coworkers, Any random stranger who might offer some encouragement to us… one of the most common overall responses we got boiled down to “Oh that’s AMAZING!!! You guys are so Brave. We could never do that.” And while we were always a bit unsure about how to respond to that, we usually mentioned that there’s a fine line between Bravery and Insanity, and only time would tell which side of that line we were really inhabiting. With that in mind I’d like to borrow a few minutes of your time in order to delve into one of the most polarized aspects of our little adventure; equal parts Bravery, Love, Laughter, and Knocking on the Looney-Bin’s Door. Let me tell you a little bit about venturing off to parts unknown… with two 3-year-olds.

Quick, design a 4 month European vacation centered around Toddlers!! Did your mind just go absolutely blank, shrug it’s little mind shoulders, and mumble something about Disney?? Yeah, we had no idea where to start either. Take what we know about our boys. Try to find places where that exists, that we also want to go to. Make sure we can actually logistically make it happen, while not going broke, getting lost, or ending up in the wrong place in the wrong season. Luckily toddlers don’t have very extravagant tastes, or at least ours don’t. Give them a playground type environment, keep them fed with a small assortment of somewhat easy to find food staples, give them plenty of rest, allow them some mindless screen-time here and there, and otherwise they’re pretty much open to anything.

In at least one way we did a very good job of checking off boxes on that list; Playgrounds. While searching for living arrangements rarely gives you the option to add a “Playground Nearby” filter, this is one instance where Google Maps really does shine. Figure out where your hotel, Air BnB, or otherwise is located, turn on your satellite layer, and Playgrounds become pretty easy to find. You may even be lucky enough to find prospective locations that have been documented by somebody that takes more pictures than the Paparazzi on a hot Jonas Brothers tip! Figure out where your closest playgrounds are and at least half your work is done! As 3 year-olds start pushing towards 4, their little imaginations get going Big Time, and what might seem to You and I like a pretty dull attempt at a play structure looks like the Taj Mahal to them. Add in a toy Monster Truck or a bouncy ball, and forget it, you’ve got hours of fun all taken care of. I keep making the point of saying Playground, rather than Park. Write that down. As a National Park, a Wildlife Park, a City Park, or hell a Car Park, are very different to a 3 year-old than a Playground. And you will figure that out very quickly, and painfully. A Park might have the most amazingly majestic, beautiful, peaceful environment any of you have ever seen. But it does not have a slide, or any climbing structures, and you will pay for your lack of specificity in this semantic blunder.

Luckily for us, Europe did all it could to help us out here. Many of the places we traveled to had more playgrounds per square Kilometer (remember, we’re metric now…) than anywhere in the US that I’ve ever been. And that includes anything precluded by the name Disney. The number of playgrounds nearly anywhere over here is amazing. And in addition to the playgrounds, we also tried to plan around as many Beaches as we could. Granted I don’t know that many kids, but the ones I know all love beaches. Ours are no exception. Whether it’s just running up and down being chased by the surf, picking up shells, or discovering life in so many forms in wave pools and shallows, they absolutely love the beach. And I like to think we found them some pretty nice ones. So far in the span of a single year they’ve seen the beaches of the Adriatic and Mediterranean seas, and the Atlantic and the Pacific oceans. I’d say that’s pretty good for two kids who generally forget their passports. Also luckily for them, being raised in the Rocky Mountains, what people in Spain or Portugal feel is an absolute frigid day (70 deg F) is absolute perfection to them, and call for playing in the sand and water like the tiny goofballs they are.

So, seems as though as long as you’ve got playgrounds and beaches then everything is great right?? Well, that’s definitely the easy part. Unfortunately all that playing tends to make them hungry. And what do 3 year-olds eat?? Anybody?? If you guessed the exquisite delicacies and traditional dishes of Dalmatia, Bavaria, France, Holland, España, or Portugal… You’d be wrong. Except on one technicality. They still eat the few things they ate in the US, which are not quite as easy to find over here. They’re also pretty heartbreaking not to find when looking over menus full of absolutely breathtaking culinary delights. Luckily for us they will generally agree to pizza, french fries, and soda.

Back in the US they didn’t eat pizza that often really. It was more of a treat, or something that most restaurants would offer in addition to whatever Mom and Dad were having. I’m a bit ashamed to say that they eat a bit more pizza and french fries here than I’d like. But to be fair (and alluding to the kitchen issues I’ve touched on in other posts) it’s a bit tougher to make them all the things (all 4) that they’re used to eating. I do have to mention, however, that some of the pizza they’ve been exposed to is absolutely amazing. Because we’ve had pizza Everywhere we’ve been, I feel we’ve been exposed to a majority of the pizza options in Europe. And yes, before you get to your second scoff, I’m aware of how silly that sounds, as we’ve been ordering solely Margherita Pizza (just sauce and cheese…) for the boys. This means we’ve not had some of the most excellent, and strange sounding options I’ve seen on some of these menus. To be perfectly honest, our favorite pizza thus far has been in Split, Croatia. And I don’t even mean just one pizza at one pizzeria. I don’t know what it is that they put in their sauce in Croatia, but Holy Crap is that stuff amazing. Dad definitely put on a few pounds there in the name of “not wasting good food”. Aside from pizza, we’re definitely very familiar with the words Chicken Nuggets and French Fries, in multiple languages after our little adventure.

The other big Question Mark when it comes to food is Breakfast. Depending on where you are in Europe, some things are much easier or harder to get. To put a giant blanket statement on it, for the most part Europe doesn’t seem to put much stock in breakfast. In most parts, breakfast is Coffee and a Cigarette, and maybe a Pastry. If your idea of Breakfast is something more like a full Irish or English Breakfast, you’re going to be a bit disappointed over here. While you can still find a place or two that’ll make you some eggs n such in the more touristy spots, it’s not what I would call common. That of course means that the logistics of putting together a breakfast in your own home become more difficult too. For example, in the general markets in Germany, the largest carton of eggs you might procure would be 6. And let me tell you, the look you get from the proprietor of a mobile chicken based poultry trailer when you ask for 2 dozen eggs at a time is somewhat telling. So if your tiny children are used to eggs, toast, some fruit, and a glass of milk in the morning, that’s sometimes a bit of a stretch. The one thing though, that I’ll say is an absolute blessing, is the availability of yogurt based products. While normal milk isn’t always easy, finding fruit flavored yogurt drinks is very common. In fact, when you order a kids meal at a fast food restaurant over here, you can sub the desert treat for a small probiotic yogurt drink. Score!! Luckily we tried to incorporate yogurt quite a bit back in the States, so they’re very okay with getting more of it! So for the most part the boys have adjusted to the morning routine alright.

Soooo…. Playgrounds, some food issues, that’s it? Well no not really. But those are definitely things we spend a great deal of time dealing with, so they’re the ones we have more than a couple thoughts on. Another biggie? Snacks and Bribes. This of course is not a subject we’re proud of. But go figure, two kids of Mine can be manipulated through tasty morsels of dubious nutritive value. Along with breakfast, smallish types of snack type foods are not quite as easy to find over here without resorting to straight up Cookies or Chocolate. So when we find something like a granola bar we stock up a bit Gollum-like. Strangely we’ve been able to find applesauce based pouches (kinda like a capri-sun with a spout if you’re not a parent) pretty frequently over here, so we’re happy to give the boys those. Because we try to get out and about as much as we can without driving ourselves logistically or financially crazy, we tend to have some slots of time between meals that get a bit lengthy. These types of snacks, or outright treats, can mean the difference between relative peace and outright meltdown. Not to mention, much like my own childhood, the boys are starting to be accustomed to a small snack first thing in the morning with their “cartoons”. So their diet is unfortunately a fairly significant proportion of Snacks.

The darker side of the Snacks coin is, of course, bribery. Anyone with small children is familiar with this shameful practice. And although the US Government may have a strict policy of not negotiating with terrorists… to be fair, they’ve never negotiated with dueling twin toddlers. Cuban Missile Crisis be damned, let JFK talk a couple of Tyrion sized Twin Hylanders off a climbing wall ledge. I think not. At least not without Gelato. I don’t like admitting this, but you win some and you lose some. And sometimes the fate of humanity might just rest on whether or not you can find your tiny humans chocolate gelato before they go fully thermonuclear and wipe out a major metropolitan area. Fortunately for us, Europe seems to have perfected the practice of offering Gelato every 27 feet in literally any city center without it negatively affecting the course of usual tourism and commerce. I’m not quite familiar with the psychological, bioenergetic, or endocrine processes that Gelato implements in your average tiny human. But judging by the pupil dilation our boys exhibit when we include the words “Ice Cream” in any sentence (I’m not going to make them learn the word Gelato, it’s silly) it must be close to that of… well let’s just say it’s clearly very influential. We’ve averted many catastrophes with the clever and liberal use of Ice Cream, and I’m sure we’ll continue to do so in the future. Judge as ye may, glass house dweller!!! Admit it, toddlers are downright terrifying, and completely illogical. They’re comic book villains without the money, slick wardrobe or witty monologues.

Well, if you’ve made it this far (really, sorry about that, I ramble) I hope you’ve extended us a bit of compassion in some of our less than savory concessions. This last one is the worst of all. I speak of that which shall not be named… Yeah okay, it’s not Sauron or Voldemort, it’s just a word. Tablet. There may be no more dichotic element of our entire lives, than that of the Tablet. We so deeply, solemnly, wholeheartedly Love, and Hate, the Tablet. Again, if you’re not a parent, this may not seem like a word that should carry such weight. Let me assure you, J. Robert Oppenheimer is commonly associated with conjuring and wielding the greatest power known to man (at that time). That of the Atomic (Fission) Bomb. But could he attempt to determine the exact time parameter appropriate to allow a toddler to view screen based entertainment on an average day? Much less a day involving light travel? International travel? Intercontinental travel? Interhemispherical Travel?!?!? Without turning said toddler into a blue-light addicted zombie capable of the most heinous crimes and soul-piercing strange mouth noises?? Surely not. Yet this is the responsibility we’ve taken upon ourselves.

We may, under Odin’s guidance, and with the power of Thor, be able to wield the power of the tablet, in order to do what is right for the people of earth, without destroying the fragile bit of beauty that is the minds of our fair boys. But only the cruel Witch of Time will tell. We ask you to offer your thoughts and prayers (though really, please don’t, this is only fancy wordplay) to us during these dark times, that we may rise above our demons, and bask in the glowing light of…. Okay, I really got carried away there. Anyhow, all I wanted to say was, we hate these godforsaken tablets as much as anyone, but for the peace and sanity of not only ourselves, but that of everyone on any plane we’ve traveled on or will travel on, these evil little screens can serve a very honorable purpose from time to time. Luckily we can eventually turn the tides of these tablets toward more noble means. Whether it’s learning to code, make music, envision creations of the mind, delve into countless rabbit-holes of knowledge, maneuver puzzles of all types, or whatever it is YOU do on your little screens. Above all, it’s a very powerful tool, that can be wielded in numerous ways. I know it’s up to us to guide them. But at this point, they’re Three. No amount of Shakespeare, Da Vinci, Mozart, or Socrates is going to win over Paw Patrol.

So I suppose I should wrap up my insanely longwinded post here at some point. Perhaps some wisdom (wow even I laughed at that). Should you choose to travel; should you attempt it with small children? Even after all our adventures I’m not sure I could offer my previous self real words of substance here. One thing we were asked many times after so many of our decisions was one very simple question: “isn’t that going to be hard?”. At this point we’ve come to a number of realizations. No matter where you are. No matter what the circumstances are. No matter how much you all love each other. No matter how much stress there is. No matter how hard some days are. No matter how hard you try. No matter how many times everything lines up perfectly. No matter how many times the Universe takes a giant shit on you. No matter how many times the sun just happens to find a break in the clouds just as you find a bench to sit on. No matter how many times every possible element can work against you. No matter how every teeny tiny small thing might build, and build, and build, and build upon itself to make the absolute best or worst out of a given day. Chances are, because it’s worth it, it’s very much going to be hard. You have taken certain steps, made certain decisions, accepted certain realities, planned for certain eventualities, and overall MADE THE CHOICE to push for a life that so many hope for, and so few really make an effort and sacrifice to grasp for. We know it’s going to be hard. We know it’s going to test a lot of ourselves. In the words of a grumpy, but wise, doctor I’m in the habit of quoting, “Nothing in this world, that’s worth having, comes easy.”

I’m sure that in decades to come we might look back upon traveling with the boys at this age to be fairly silly. But even if they remember only 10% of the things we did, or the places we went, or the experiences they still remember for whatever reason, they’ll have one hell of an interesting perspective with which to view the world around them. And as somebody that’s adopted that type of perspective over the years, let me tell you, this is not something you can buy. And it’s absolutely Priceless.